feeling alone, surrounded by friends

chronic illness has facets that healthy people never ever consider. the emotional strain, the mental exhaustion stemming from never feeling good, the well meaning, "how are you doing?" questions that just make you feel worse. among a myriad of other things...

these things have lead me to lie and say i'm fine, sound like a chronic complainer if i'm authentic and say how i really feel, or inadequate because words never actually express the extent of things.

I guess because I feel detached from the world around me (friends, family), I'm going to see if there is a group out there in the world that can help me not to feel so alone. and maybe I can help you not to feel so alone too?

i would give anything for my family to read the literature and at least TRY to understand, but they don't. and probably a lot of people are the same way. i look ok on the outside, so it's easy to forget.

for Thanksgiving every year, someone says that they are thankful that our family is healthy and happy. I feel like bursting into tears, as i'm sitting there in excruciating pain, trying to keep my eyes open, trying to put a smile on, and thinking "holy crap... they truly forget me. they truly have no idea the battle that i fight night and day without reprieve."

the amount I complain in comparison to how much i actually hurt is very, very small. but i'm labeled the "chronic complainer."

things that piss me off:

• "try to think positive"
• "exercise, you'll feel better"
• "mind over matter!"
• friends that just stop calling or coming over
• "you're STILL sick?"
• "it'll get better"

I'm awake at 3 in the morning because my thoughts won't stop. but i thought maybe if i start a journal/ bla(h)g/something... i could rally up people who understand and we can support each other. discuss med changes, lifestyle changes, things that help and things that don't... and just to vent to like minded people who feel desperate too.

my particular diseases may not be yours... but i figure any Chronic Illness yields the same responses. I got some new test results from my Autonomic Neurologist this past week that kind of make me want to curl up in a ball and quit. I'll write about that later... but for now... I'm gonna search for some other people in the world who are in the same boat.